Feuilleton – Prébende #3

Antoine Dufeu
21.06.01 → 21.06.30

Antoine Dufeu has been an associated author at cneai = since November 2020. In the FEUILLETON section of the Cneai newsletter, he invites you to read texts that are currently being written and unpublished texts. “Prébende” is the title of a book currently being written, mentioned here opportunistically.

A. Major

An excerpt from the “Book F” (work in progress)

It all started with Sonia. Ah! Sonia… How beautiful you were! Already thrilled by the swift surge of love, I experienced for you the most intense feelings of my short existence. Sonia, believe it or not, had only one hand. Two arms, two forearms, but one hand, one hand, and a stump. Sonia was stunning. Sonia dazzled wherever she went. Sonia touched the hearts of everyone who loved her. Often I wonder: if Sonia had only one tooth, would I have liked her as much?

We were obviously a few, and perhaps even a few men and women, openly or secretly in love—or therefore loved—Sonia. Equally evident was the onset of early love rivalries and jealousies. Me measuring a head taller than the rest of the class did not necessarily constitute a charming advantage. I understood from this first love that in matters of love, I was going to suffer for a long time… maybe even throughout my life, as love can make you sick whether you experience it or not, unless you associate it with other ideas, add other concepts, such as joy, kindness, perfection, tenderness, sexuality, and embellish it with adjectives and adverbs. Most importantly, I understood that love is formidable. I also had the intuition, before fully comprehending and explaining it, that love exists and can be part of happiness or joy. Almost everyone agrees on its existence… at that age, but then why wouldn’t it exist later? Why would it disappear later or not last thereafter?

The point is to address the stakes promptly: love exists {come hell or high water}. That’s what I will strive to express. For better or worse, there are loves and feelings, failures and setbacks, declarations and celebrations. Period! If love passes or fades, it’s simply because existence has triumphed rightfully! If love exists, it’s abundant: love is not rare. To be necessarily convinced, all it takes is to inquire joyfully and verbally from your neighbor rather than peeping at them naked behind a curtain.

Here I am already carried away by the rhythm, rhymes, and other figures of style, to the point of successfully blending autobiography and fiction, to the point of writing anything about love that comes to mind, even if the time is coming soon to talk plainly about the raw truth. For those who thought I would produce a straightforward declaration, think again, hesitate, or reconsider: gathering ideas and impressions about love didn’t happen in a day, not even in a night, given the number of times my passionate impulses were turned down! You might have understood: there will be many detours, twists at least as complex as the feelings involved, to reach someone who perhaps finally wanted to consider love peacefully with me, just for once.

I won’t let go of this First Love without anticipating some inevitable and never-ending debates that will punctuate this declaration: rivals, hesitations, uncertainties, past or future dissatisfactions, frustrations, jealousies, misunderstandings, enough! that’s it! the joys! it continues… circumstances, hurried, missed, ideal opportunities, incompatible ages or experiences, it starts again… seduction strategies and misunderstandings stop! whereas… whereas love reduced to phenomena of understanding or misunderstanding is the blatant sign of a lack of connection.

Let’s… let’s go back to Sonia. Sonia, all the time I thought of you, I kept repeating to myself that I always wanted to meet you. And I repeated in my inner self your name intertwined with that of love. Since then, that affection has never left me. Since then, the ambition to defend love against money, against power, or any other artifice preventing love from imagining living in peace and realizing itself has never left me. It’s time to change the subject.

B. The minor

An excerpt from Journal automobile(unpublished, 2020)

{Year 2018}


I’m wearing a SAVIEM-branded watch again. The one I had worn a few years ago and had scratched.

Mercedes is recalling the G65 AMG due to a reverse speed issue. Beyond 25 km/h, it can flip onto its roof.

August 4th

Mick Schumacher needed to compete in 45 Formula 3 races to secure just one victory so far, on a track that holds a significant familial history, Spa-Francorchamps in Belgium. How many drivers in history have won a Formula 3 race on this circuit? Regardless of the number of races of this kind held there, across all championships in this specialty. Or on other tracks that are equally demanding or prestigious?


Axel Honneth, in “The Struggle for Recognition,” Gallimard, Folio Essays No. 576, 2015, p. 124, states: “We become aware of the significance of our reactions to others before becoming aware of ourselves; thus, social psychology must begin by shedding light on the mechanism through which a consciousness of the meaning of social acts has formed in human interaction.

Some good news from Gordon Murray Automotive via EVO UK.

August 5th

A Range Rover SV Coupe was unveiled at the 2018 Geneva Motor Show. While the historical Defender, as well as the original Range Rover, were both two-door models, there were hardly any vehicles with this body type available in Land Rover’s lineup after the discontinuation of the previous-generation two-door Freelander and Evoque. However, from a traditional perspective, it doesn’t seem likely that Land Rover could do without it. So, if the mainstream market is currently uninterested in two-door vehicles, they must offer something exceptional, which the SV Coupe does at almost any price point. Perhaps the next generation of the Defender, for different reasons, could also offer this type of body style.

I would need to check the respective dimensions of a Porsche Cayman Coupe – let’s say, preferably the S version – and a 718 Cayman. The proportions of the former seem more suitable for what a small Porsche might be, perhaps because one shouldn’t confuse smallness with being entry-level – or even low-end – and base pricing on it. But maybe it’s just a matter of dimensions, of perceived proportions. Verifying this could be a matter of phenomenology in the Merleau-Ponty sense.

August 6th

A collector owns twenty-four examples of the most recent authentic Lagonda, barring the Taraf.